I finished my first week of law school on Friday. It's already been a crazy ride. The people are interesting, to say the least.
There were lots of discussions going on... about Ferguson, about the police in America, about the Middle East, about the situation in Ukraine and Russia. Lots of varied opinions and drastically different ideologies. I agree with some, and disagree with others.
I've been watching everything unfold in Ferguson still. Reading the reports that were released and catching eyewitness revelations. I've seen some other things unfold as well. I watched the horrifying video where police officers shot a man who was approaching them. They said he ran at them with a knife, but from what I saw, no running was involved whatsoever. I wanted to watch the video so that I could understand the situation better, though I found myself both disturbed and brokenhearted at what I witnessed. I could hear the terror in the voice of the man recording the video, though he was trying to stay composed.
I also watched the video in which a Southern family disowned their young adult son for being gay, at one point physically assaulting him in their fear and anger. I was glad to see that money is being raised to help this young man who lost his support system, but it makes me all the more aware of those who don't gain anything by revealing themselves, but lose all they have... which in some cases, includes their lives.
It is disheartening to watch the world in which you live be so filled with hatred, anger, fear, and distrust. It would be simple to stop looking for things that make the world seem terrible, but that isn't fair. It's not fair to me, and it isn't fair to the people who do experience these things. I know people like to use "Life isn't fair" as an excuse to do nothing to fix things, but I won't do that. These people can't just say they aren't interested in dealing with these issues anymore. They don't have the option to walk away from prejudice and hate, and I won't give myself the option either.
I've been dealing with some of my own issues on top of all those that I am watching unfold on my television. I was moved to part time at school due to my health issues. It's time that I admit that I have gotten to the point that the word "disability" truly fits me. As someone who had a brother with a disability, and numerous friends who also are disabled, it doesn't seem to make sense to feel the way I do about this.
I feel as though I have failed myself in becoming disabled. It's so stupid, I know. I don't know how to overcome it though. I dropped from 15 hours to 10. I know it was something I needed to do, and my school officials were so helpful in this... I feel like I owe them so much. I already feel relieved, knowing that I won't be so physically overwhelmed. I kept falling asleep on the couch in the afternoon while trying to read for my classes, and I was worried that the strain was making me even more ill.
I have an appointment with a sort of disability advocate this upcoming week. I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to admit to having gone from healthy, running, and energetic to a downtrodden, exhausted, and painful ball of self-pity in less than 4 years. What happened to me? I think that this is the most frustrating part of it all is that we still don't know.
I have been to so many doctors and had so many tests. I had what we referred to as my "day of torture" last year. My specialist put me through a whole bunch of tests, each more excruciating than the last. I was stabbed with large needles while they listened to my muscles, electrocuted so they could see the reaction times... I screamed a lot that day. I had a biopsy, too. It all came back as abnormal but inconclusive. I got a firm diagnosis of "Myalgia" from it, but that was all.
I only wish I knew what my disability actually was. Maybe then I would be more confident in saying that I was disabled. I feel like I am taking something that I don't fit in... I don't know what my disability is, so can I truly be disabled?!
I hope everyone is well. I have a lot more reading to do. At least I am greatly enjoying my classes and the materials. I'll try to update as often as I can.